Does this happen with you too? All week, you hate getting out of the bed, stealing those five minutes of sleep from your already-late routine. But on Saturday morning, when you are adamant on sleeping till noon, your eyes pop open at 6.30 am and refuse to sleep. That's exactly what happened with me this last weekend! I tried to pamper and subsequently curse myself to sleep, but nothing worked.

So there I was, wide awake at 6.30 am on a Saturday morning. To make good of the early hours, I did get myself into action and....

• Made myself ginger tea and savored the newspaper, something I hadn't done for weeks.
• Prepared a to-do list with all the work that had been piling up for ages!
• Got myself to dust and clean even before the maid showed up!
• Got ready early and was out of the house by 10!!!

So that was me on a Saturday morning. Impressive, huh! All the list of work also included going to a Goonj centre. Well, I had these two bags full of clothes in perfect condition, I hadn't worn for over a year. What better way to ensure that they reached people who really need them.

Along with other things, there was also this visit to the bank, on my to-do list. With the way these private banks have automated everything and made it all so convenient that it is absolute pleasure to see how quickly your job is done and of course, how well they manage your account! So, there I was at this bank inquiring about their products etc.

While the executive went to bring me some leaflets and papers, I noticed an elderly gentleman on the counter next to me. He was instructing the executive what to do with his investments. I watched him intently. The way he sat, talked, motioned with his right hand and adjusted the pile of papers in front of him. And before I realized, there was this sudden stream of tears running down my cheeks! Yes, I was crying! Right in the centre of a bank with at least a dozen strangers not more than ten feet away from me.

And wait. I was not only crying. I was sobbing away! All this before I could brush aside the sudden swell of emotion or even reach for a tissue from my handbag.

Why?

The gentleman had this uncanny resemblance to Dadaji (my grandfather). It's been not even a year since he left us. He visits me almost every day in my dreams. I talk to him, share everything with him...all in my dream. And here was this person, who was so similar to him.

Suddenly, the gentleman looked towards me, smiled, got up and left. I could not smile back. I was still too overwhelmed to react. Just then, I heard the executive's hurried steps behind me. Before she reached the counter, I excused myself to the water station. Soon after, I collected the papers and walked out, not looking anyone in the eye, lest they see my swollen eyes and red nose tip!

I walked sullenly towards home, thinking about what just happened.

Was it really me who just broke down in the middle of a crowded bank?

Was it really me who could not keep a check on her emotions?!

Was it really me who cried, almost like a baby, in front of all those people?

Guess it's all those pent up emotions that gave way to tears that day.

All said and done, I miss him a lot.

I still haven't found a way to deal with life without him. I still find myself helpless in situations where I need his advice.

When I call up home, I have this strong urge to ask about him. Then, the realization comes gushing in. He is not there anymore. He won't talk to me on the phone like he used to. And I cannot complain to him about everything around me, like I used to.

And I still talk to him the way I used to. I feel that he is listening to me. When I look at his pictures, I feel he is saying something to me.

To say that life has moved on, would be incorrect. It's only time that has passed. This time has not healed the wound. With every passing day, the realization of the loss gets deeper.

I don't know how much more time it will take me, but with what happened last Saturday, I realize I'm still inconsolable.

Travelling always fascinates me and more so when it's by train! The crowds at the platforms, the various peddlers selling their goods, ranging from eatables to soaps, locks, chains, newspapers, books and so on.... I simply love everything about the whole experience.

My hometown is an overnight journey away from Delhi. Past experiences ensure that I reach the station well before the scheduled departure time of the train, or well, I am usually running with my bags, knocking any and everyone while making my way towards a moving train! So, now the 'matured and learned me' reaches the railway station at least 45 minutes earlier, buys loads of books and hoards herself with potato wafers, chocolates, bread cakes etc etc. Somehow, I have this illusion that whatever you might eat on a journey never makes you fat!!! Now, don't ask me where I got this theory from. I believe in it completely and follow it too!

But last Friday was different. The auto driver took the longest possible route (he was charging by the meter!) and I was able to reach only a few minutes before the train left. Usually you do get eatables and books in the train, so I comforted myself thinking that I would buy them later. Little did I realize that I was taking a different train (Rajdhani) which started early evening and would reach Allahabad by midnight and which meant that there would be more waking hours!

Ten minutes into the journey and my fears came true. No vendor came by! No books, no magazine, no wafers, no chocolates! I was headed towards the most boring train journey. I longed for them and I cursed myself for not carrying a novel in my handbag!! I skimmed through the contents of it a couple of times, hoping that a book would magically appear behind my wallet or a chocolate would be hidden beneath the case of my shades. Alas, that was not to be!

I settled down, still biting my lips! Being the only female passenger in the coach, I had no one to talk to and the window seats were taken, and hence even the view was out of bounds.

So while I sat there...too angry to think and too bored to distract my mind, a conversation began. Now, if you have travelled by the Indian Railways, you'd know what types of conversations spark off in such journeys. You have people from different parts of the country, different age group, different beliefs and different opinions.

This was the Patna Rajdhani and most of my fellow passengers belonged to Bihar. The conversation began from who they thought will win the next elections, drifted to the development in the state, steered to the corruption that devoured it in the past to the racist attitude of Delhites towards people from the state and finally a debate cum fight over 'God-knows-what' between a businessman who was visibly high and an idealist who would not relent.

And all this while, I sat there, my head swinging from left, listening to them speak as if their lives depended on what they said. And yes, I had company! A 12-yr old boy, who looked a 10-yr, was as bewildered as me looked at the adults around him with eyes wide open. He was at an advantage though. He could openly laugh at everyone and no one seemed to mind. So he did just that, and would also break in with his one-liners, all this while listening to music on his i-pod and playing a video game! Finally, wisdom dawned on the idealist, who realized that his counterpart was drunk and too rude and he refused to talk to him! While the 12-yr old and I waited for some more action, we were disappointed, for now the discussion became much more sober between the sober ones of the lot.

Now, I was left on my own again. I looked around and saw a business magazine lying on the berth. Having taken the owner's permission, I started flipping through its pages. And guess what, I actually ended up reading almost all the articles in there! How much did my non-business mind understand and what did it make out of it, I have no clue! But yes, I was seriously reading...for once a business magazine, word to word! Now that's a different story that I don't remember one bit about any article, except the one on Commonwealth games and the expenditure behind it!

Dinner time discussions were not too interesting and soon after, people rolled out their beds. The 12-yr old's father tucked in his son lovingly, while telling him of all kinds of ghosts that might visit him if he didn't sleep. The boy, of course, was smart enough to laugh it all of. The drunkard grumbled and turned on his berth, almost falling off each time.

A pretty eventful journey, one would say. The auto ride, no books or chocolates, interesting fellow passengers... and a fight!