Working Parents' Dilemma - Who to Leave The Little One with?
Neha
When I quit my full time job, over four year ago, everyone had some advice for me. No, no baby was on the cards then and I had done it simply because I felt it was time to test new waters and tread forbidden paths. Of course, none of that was possible without the support of my husband, who stood by my decision.

Meanwhile, I completed another Post Graduation course and started a little venture in writing. At any given day, I was working at least 10-12 hours. Work flourished and time flew. Almost 2 years later, we were blessed with Prabir. However, I continued working. I have changed gears since and started another retail venture too. Yet, my primary responsibility is my son, with whom I stay 24x7.

While, I have the luxury to stay at home, look after my son and work as well, many others do not. After a stipulated maternity break, most have to join back work. You are ridden with fear, guilt and may be remorse. Yet, quitting your job may not be an option for various reasons.

To say that working mothers are not involved with their children completely would be unfair. I have seen mothers, and fathers, keeping a check on their children while at work. They ensure their children eat and sleep on time and even take leaves to be with them during exams etc.

With nuclear families on the rise, the most worrisome issue that remains is who to leave the child with, when you have to join back. A friend had asked me to venture on this topic a couple of months back. And after a lot of reading and discussions with friends in different situations, here is what I could come up with.

The options are immense:


  • With either grandparent(s)
  • At home, with a full time maid/nanny
  • Enrol in a creche or daycare
Each one comes with their pros and cons.

  • With grandparents
PROS:
  1. Your child is in loving and caring hands.
  2. You can be rest assured they are fed well and a routine is followed.
  3. This also ensures a lot of quality time as children learn from their grandparents.
  4. It is financially beneficial too.
CONS
  1. Generation gap 
  2. Difference in parenting styles may lead to stress and conflict.
  3. Over-caring attitude may lead to discipline issues later.
  4. The child may be plonked in front of the TV, longer that you'd like.
  5. They may not have the energy and stamina to take care of a growing toddler.
What you can do:
  1. Have an open discussion before you embark on this arrangement on what is okay. Sleep schedule, food menu etc can be given in written so that there's no confusion.
  2. Grandparents love pampering and feeding little ones. However, occasional treats is different from giving candies or a piece of cake during lunch time.
  3. Most importantly, respect each other. Instead of telling them what not to do, you can always tell them how to do it differently. 
  4. Let the grandparent take care of the child while you're home so that they get a fair idea about the routine of the baby.
  5. Call often to check how things are. That gives you an idea how much the baby and the grandparent are able to cope with. You can even then think of hiring a part timer to help, without really offending the grandparents. Taking care of a baby is an exhausting job!
  6. Be flexible and take it easy. You might feel bad when the grandparent knows exactly what to do to soothe your little one when they throw a tantrum at dinner time or bed time. But then, that's because they are spending more waking hours with the baby.
  7. Have a consistent set of rules that everyone follows. This way, the child will not get confused either.
  • At home, with a full time maid or nanny
PROS:
  1. Your child stays in the comfort of home.
  2. You are able to monitor their meals.
  3. There's more sense of control
CONS:
  1. You may be left in the lurch if and when the nanny calls in sick or takes leave.
  2. They are usually not educated. They could know the basics of child care, but may be adamant on following practices that may be harmful for the baby.
  3. Supervision may be difficult, despite installing nanny cameras.
What you can do:
  1. Hire a nanny with very strong reference credentials.
  2. Try and work out some arrangement where a family member is home with the child and nanny.
  3. Do a very strong background check.
  4. Train the nanny for at least a month under your supervision.
  • A creche or daycare
PROS:
  1. These are regulated and a bit more accountable.
  2. You can monitor activities through CCTV cameras now.
  3. The caregivers are usually educated and trained.
  4. Children get to socialize with other kids.
CONS:
  1. Divided attention as there are more children to take care of.
  2. It is difficult to find day cares that would take infants as little as 6 months old.
  3. Children tend to get sick often in a daycare.
  4. The pick and drop timings can be pretty rigid.
What you can do:
  1. Look for a facility closer to your home or workplace, whichever is more feasible.
  2. Check the safety standards before finalizing. The place should be child friendly. You must also want to have a detailed discussion about meals, milk, naps, toilet training, screen time, play time, medical emergency etc.
  3. Again, look for a reputed place, based on feedback from friends/peers/colleagues who are or have taken their services.
Caring for a child is an exhaustive job. I know as I have been at it for a little over 2.5 years with not a single day leave as yet. Yet, I consider myself extremely lucky to be able to spend all my time with my little one.

Leaving your little one in another person's care is a difficult decision to take, and unavoidable to. But, if we consider our situation with the pros and cons, we will be better equipped to take the most suitable decision that will work for both the baby and the parents.

Hope, I have been able to help a bit here :)
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A Letter to the Father of My Child
Neha
Dear Dadda,

That's how we address each other now, isn't it, as Mumma and Dadda?

If we had to go back to when we met, it would have been a little over two decades. And if we had to go back to how it all started, it'd be almost a decade, All that seems ancient history now though. But coming to our present, life has changed and how!

When we agreed to be together for life, I knew you were just the one who'd compliment and complete me in every way. And that you'd make the best husband ever. I wasn't disappointed either. You have always made that extra effort to keep things happy and smooth.

However, little did I think then about the kind of father you'd make. And here you just haven't surprised me, but simply bowled me over... yet again. The night of December 8, 2013, the day Prabir was born, you held him almost the entire night. You rocked and pacified him, as I struggled to get a hold on myself. And since then, it's just been a beautiful journey of growing together as his parents.

For him, his dadda is "Pustat Anand" and no matter how much we'd teach him to use the prefix 'Dr', he wouldn't. For, in you, he only sees his best playmate, his go-to person when mumma is strict, his caddy, his best friend! His eyes well up every morning as you leave for work and the sparkle in them is for all to see when you enter the room after a long day.

And again, you never disappoint him ever either. No matter how tired you may be, you are forever at his command, from the minute you are home. From bathing him to playing silly games to reading books together, you two are pretty sorted and just meant to be together. One hands-on father, you've never refused to change his diapers or even clean the mess that he creates. And it is these little things that make you his favourite (of course, that's after mumma!).

As he grows little by little every day, I see a lot of you in him. A Dadda's boy, he knows where his priorities lie already. He loves cars like you do and books and stationary too. And most of all, he loves his dadda.

So, while I may crib every day endlessly, be rest assured that I wouldn't have it any other way. As Prabir grows, he'll learn to be humble, to be kind and will have the zeal and determination to work hard, and all this and a lot more he'd inherit from his father- You! 

So, thank you, for every little thing you do, for all that you do, is for 'us'. Thank you for loving us so and for being the best and the most doting father I've ever seen or known.

Love you more,
Mumma
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Toddler Tantrums & Us
Neha

Scene 1

Day - This Monday
Time - around noon

Prabir, now almost 2.5 years old, broke the remote back cover and started throwing everything off the bed, which included my novel and his toys.

I reacted pretty harshly and demanded that he pick the book from the floor right away. To which, I was met with an utter stubborn behaviour coupled with screaming and wailing at the top of his lungs. I stood my ground and refused to budge. He, being my blood and soul, stood his ground and refused to budge too. And this ensued over half an hour of screaming, wailing, coaxing etc etc. I did try to negotiate and make the situation a little more favourable to him as my temper cooled. However, he did not relent. Finally,  after about 45 minutes that seemed like forever, I had to pick him off the floor as well as the book. Phew!

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Scene 2

Day- Today (Wednesday)
Time- around 11 am

A househelp needed a medicine for which I took out the medicine box. In no time, all the medicines were all over the bed, some being torn apart or in the process of being rigged out of their seal. The moment I reacted asking Prabir what he was up to, he threw the box off the bed.

I asked him to pick it up and yes, he refused again. So, I closed my eyes and pleaded a little birdie to come and help Prabir pick up the box so that we could play a new 'aim' game. The box was on the bed within seconds and then we both aimed all the medicines (tablets only) inside the box and kept it away.

*******************************

Would seem just another day to anyone. However, to a full time, stay-at-home mother, any such incident is good enough to trigger an outburst (which was what happened on Monday). It might seem trivial, but not when you're required to keep your calm every second of the day.

With your patience and perseverance levels tested every minute, it's hard to just smile and go through your day. In fact, at such times, I really need to remind myself why I am following gentle parenting and why not resort to a little spanking to set things straight. Thankfully, the better part of my brain and heart knows, even in those bleak moments, that spanking will not help and only make it all even more traumatizing for both of us.

The fact is that I know the workaround. I even know, well most of the times, what will help and what won't. Yet, I let my temper take over. Who benefits? Neither mumma nor the baby. It all boils down to endless tears and cursing myself.

So, yes, we mothers aren't perfect. While you may see us handling our little ones pretty well and think we have it all sorted, the fact is we don't. We too have those moments when we want to hide somewhere, away from the constant wailing and endless tantrums. We too have serious meltdowns and we can cry for hours for seemingly no reason. When we go down the guilt trip after behaving a little strictly with our little ones, we'd love someone to tell us that it's okay and that it's absolutely normal.

I write this after almost 20 minutes of dancing and rocking my son for his afternoon nap.... preceded by 20 minutes of running after him all over the house... preceded by 30 minutes of lunch in which he only wanted to eat watermelon seeds.....

I'm tired and we're not even half past the day. And that's me, almost every day. Whoever said motherhood is easy! But again, we always have a choice as to how to react to a situation and handle it.

I think a cup of coffee might help now :)

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Confessions of a Mother
Neha

I have a small group of mothers around me and we regularly discuss things about our respective children and seek advice from each other. Topics range from breastfeeding to food, vaccinations, outings, medicines, illness, home remedies. Basically, anything and everything.

While there's so much to learn yet, there's one thing other mothers always ask me - How do I remain so patient with my son all the time? Do I never get the urge to pick the rod?

If I have to confess, then to say that I have the composure of a saint would be the biggest lie. I snap often, I get angry quickly and I don't forgive easily.

But when it comes to my son, I hold back that impulsive emotion. I tell myself that I need to work out the situation some other way that's amicable to both of us.

He's a toddler and he'll have his tantrums. To give in to them or not is my prerogative as the parent. However, when the head banging, hitting and biting starts, all the saner thoughts fly to a distant land.

Handling the terrible twos is definitely a bigger and lengthier test I've ever taken. And the downside is that there's no textbook to go by. Just one thumb rule - Be gentle and loving, no matter how big the tantrum or bad the situation.

The first thing I do, at such times, is to stand back for a while. Away from him, and observe him. Then, as he begins his rolling-on-the-floor phase, I go and cuddle him and then starts the mammoth task of distracting him or talking it out. Most of the times, this works.

At other times, when I'm clearly not in a very safe mood myself, I keep away for longer and let someone else, usually my husband, take the front seat.

So, these days, we're always running late for everything. The reasons are pretty simple. My son may not like the clothes I pick for him and would prefer to put on something absolutely weird. Or he'd want to try all the shoes and slippers and sandals before deciding that he'll wear one each from two different pairs. Or he'd simply refuse for a diaper change as we run out of time.

The reasons are endless. And trust me, there's a lot of cajoling, negotiating and bargaining that goes on here, day in and out. The objective, however, is the same - a happy toddler.

So, yes. I usually run out of my reservoir of patience, more than a few times every day. I get firm and even upset and angry. But I don't let these emotions get the better of me. For my son is just being the baby that he is. He's entitled to his tantrums and the dramas. My only goal in those moments is to make him feel loved and understood, and reassure him every time that mumma has his back, always and all the time :)

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A Letter to My Son on His 2nd Birthday
Neha
My Shona,

It's birthday time! Yours and mine. For truly, so much of me was born with you today, two years ago. Two years. Already! Where did they go?

It seems like only yesterday when I first saw you. A little, tiny cherub . .. all mine! As you cried out, so did I. Tears of overwhelming happiness and joy that I'd never known before.

And look at you now. Such a bundle of energy you are today. I do miss my little baby sometimes whom I could snuggle and cuddle any time. But the toddler that has replaced him is no less precious.

Be it that naughty gleam in your eyes or the way you pose for a picture, you have your own ways of doing everything. Your dadda and I think aloud almost every day that we'll spoil you to bits with all this pampering, but then you deserve it all and so much more.

You've taught us so much in these years, lessons of love and patience, of giving and caring. Every day is a new day with you and every moment is a little surprise. 

You're growing up into a fine little boy. You surprise us with your attention to detail and your fantastic memory. Every time I see you throwing a wrapper nowhere else but in a dustbin, washing your hands before a meal or offering what you're having to others around, I give a little pat on my back. For every good thing you do, is a reflection of the upbringing we are giving you.

You are curious. You are very inquisitive. And you are very sensitive and caring too. You know where mumma keeps her migraine pills and would rush to get it the moment you know mumma isn't feeling well. You'll get the bottle of water along too. And it's these little things that I wouldn't ever want to fade away in you.

As you grow, you'll become more independent, and while the selfish human in me would want to hold you closer, the mother in me will let you loose. To go on and explore the world and to make it brighter with your very presence, just like you've made ours.

Yes, I'm scared to let you on all by yourself, for I can not, and neither do I know how to, make the world a safer place for you. But together, we'll prepare to make you ready to be on your own, little by little, step by step. No, you needn't do great things. Just do the right things every time and follow your heart, for there's nothing that cannot be moved by passion and hard work. Put your heart to things and everything else will follow.

Grow up to be a good human being, no matter which profession you choose. Be sensible and be kind. Wipe the tears around and bring happiness everywhere. And always be the little sunshine that you are, lighting up everyone's lives with your smile and big heart.

Love and lots more of love,
Your proud mumma
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Toddler at home? Some Fun Ways to Engage Them!
Neha
So, I'm now a full time mother who works part time! When it comes to spending time in front of your system in office, hours fly by effortlessly most of the days, with colleagues and the boss ensuring you've enough to keep yourself occupied. But now, with no deadlines to meet or endless meetings and conference calls, days fly by even faster!

Yeah, it's my little toddler who keeps me in my toes (literally!) and wouldn't budge till he's not given his due attention. At times, it's difficult to match up with that level of energy. After all, I'm not getting any younger by the day. But there are some things they keep him busy for a few precious minutes, while I catch my breath.

If you're looking for ways to occupy your toddler for hours, be warned. Anything as 'long' as 20 minutes is considered phenomenal here. For toddlers have the attention span of a squirrel. Yeah, you know what I mean :)

A card of bindis - This by far is my son's favourite. He loves bindis and can play with them several times a day. I've kept a card of it aside and usually put back whatever is still usable from his face, legs and even the sheets!


A basket filled with random objects - Which toddler doesn't love exploring? And the more assorted the objects, the better.


Empty boxes and bottles - Cap, uncap, open, close, check, repeat!

Books - I keep a few books at an accessible distance for him and change them every couple of days. He picks one whenever he feels like to read and can now sit in a place for as long as 20 minutes while we read a book and look at the pictures.


Crayons and a doodle pad - When I first got him a set of crayons, people said it was too early. But he has loved them since the first time. He can now hold a crayon and make dots and lines and even attempts a circle :)




Shape sorting board - This is his latest fancy. He'd take out each shape and try to fit them back on the board. Another activity that we can do sitting in one place!

So, here are a few of the many things we do to make our days fun and interesting. C'mon mommies! Share your fun and engaging play time activities too.

For more on my journey as a mother, click here.


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Yes, I'm a Proud Breastfeeding Mumma :)
Neha
During pregnancy, we read all sorts of things about the 9 months and the journey after that. I was no different. I was monitoring every change in my body and comparing it with the texts and the Internet, all of which helped me become more confident and prepared.

Amid all this, there was one thing that I read but didn't give much thought to. I considered it very natural and nothing to be fretted about really. It was during my second trimester, I was on a call with a relative and she suggested that I could leave the baby with someone when I go for shopping or even a vacation. I responded saying it wouldn't be possible as I'd be breastfeeding. The reply that came from the other end was, "How will you breastfeed when you won't have enough milk?"

That comment infuriated me. Naturally! But it also got me preparing for the worst scenario - what if I didn't have enough milk? And then, there were many things that I learned which I didn't know till then.

I learned that I had to be assertive and tell people at the hospital that I WANT to breastfeed exclusively.

I had to let those around me know that I'll make enough milk to satiate my baby and do not need anyone to measure it for me.

I had to get away from all kinds of negative people and thoughts that would affect my breastfeeding journey or make it stressful.

Was all of this easy?

No.

Of course, everyone around had their own views and experiences. What annoyed me the most was when people would question me whether I was giving my son top feed or not.

No, I didn't and why would I do that either?

The replies I'd get were infuriating and amusing at the same time.

"You'll get some rest while someone else feeds the baby with dabba wala doodh! (formula)"

"You'll able to go out, without having to worry about feeding your baby."

"The baby will not be clingy and get used to being away from you."

The reasons they gave were endless.

But all my well-meaning well wishers realised, sooner or later, that this woman will not budge. And she's better left alone.

I was sure that I'll exclusively breastfeed my baby till 6 months.

Was it easy? No. 

But it wasn't that difficult either. It did mean a whole lot of life changing decisions.

It meant that I be confined to my room for months with a newborn, trying to understand his feeding pattern, if not really predict.

It meant that every time my baby cried, eyebrows raised questioning if 'I was making enough milk'.

It meant learning time management better and taking a shower in 2 minutes, or better yet, postponing it endlessly to the next break between nursing sessions.

It meant sleepless nights with my baby latched on, while trying to adjust innumerable pillows to soothe a very aching back.

It meant waking up with pains and aches in your body and then sitting through another feeding session with your groggy self.

It meant restricting your outings or going to only those places where I could feed my baby.

It also meant meeting only those people who would understand that you cannot have a coffee without a nursing and a diaper change break.

It meant getting down to almost zero social interaction with minimal social outings.

Above everything, it meant being there physically and whole heartedly for your little one, at every time of day or night.

To say that breastfeeding has been a very smooth journey, would not be entirely correct. We had our issues latching initially. But yes, it's been the most fulfilling one. To know that I'm able to provide my little one with the best that I can, despite all odds.

I still wake up with an aching back every morning. Breastfeeding is a blessing I'm thankful for every morning and night. For when my son wouldn't eat, would be teething or would be ill, it still nourishes him and comforts both of us. While the health benefits of breastfeeding are innumerable, so is the inner satisfaction you get when you know you're providing your baby with the nourishment that only a mother can.

It has changed me. Yes. I've slowed down. No longer I'm multi tasking or juggling with several things at once. Even now, as we sit down for nursing, I'm reminded of how beautiful my life has become when those innocent eyes look into mine and give a smile that just the two of us share.

If given a choice, I would not change a thing about this phase of my life. It's beautiful and breastfeeding has made it even fulfilling. No, nursing isn't easier than giving your baby formula. Both are difficult, but then, raising a child is not easy either :)

So, here's to all beautiful mommies out there. Take pride in your breastfeeding journey and encourage every mother to do it for her baby.

Happy Breastfeeding Week, Mommies :)

To read more about my journey as a mother, head over to Being a Maa
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